Sign Petitions the CLG has authored or endorsed
Michael Rectenwald replies to a rightwinger who wants to join the "Demoncrats"
I want to join the Repugnican party, so I can be pro-life, fetishize white American fetuses, while bombing full-grown brown people in Afghanistan, Iraq, or wherever the pesky bastard unwashed unchristian heathens may run, into kingdom come--which for them is surely Hell itself. I say, enough of these Democrats supporting the rights of out-of-womb children and full-grown human beings about whose status as human beings we are almost sure, that is as long as they're not Moslems--and to the Repugnicans, who will protect the right of nonexistent beings, here on earth, and in that completely unknown, imaginary and unseen place called Heaven. Morality means doing what God wants, not what benefits human beings and society--that means, if God says "slaughter thine enemies," then that is the good thing to do. No matter if others can't hear the same God we hear. We simply know that he is talking to us and saying what we (want to) hear. Just like in the Old Testes-ment, back in the Good Ol' Days of unmitigated Patriarchal dominance, where the Israelites (since then turned into "Jews") asked God to smite their enemies, strike them through with swords, and drive them into the dust, and He did it!!! What a Good and Glorious God is this, who takes sides, and always "our side," as God is, as Bob Dylan, although he might have been a liberal then, sang, "on our side," when we fight every war.
God is good, and he is for Americans. And, I now realize, as I see the bombs fly, hear the clamoring for more bombs, and remember the 600,000 killed in the first Gulf War, that he likes American fetuses better than walking-talking Arabs--it must be so, because no one moans about the death of the latter, but the former are decried day in and day out by the Moral Repugnicans. Moreover, God must like Bush better than Gore, because after all, the majority of the heathens in Florida and the United States voted for Gore, yet God still handed Bush the presidency! What a Just and Good God is this, who will even stoop so low as to bother with overthrowing a democratic election in favor of his chosen one, even when this chosen one can't speak for himself.
God likes monosyllabic speakers, and for my sin on this account, I am in repentance. I am trying to become a Repugnican, and the first step seems to be to forget the proper spelling of words, the meaning of most of them, and to restrict myself to monosyllabic guttural utterances and malapropisms, like those used by my president, Bush. As the Christian right tells me, I must not rely on my reason or my own brains. I must forgo my reason and my brains, and blindly trust what the AM radio preacher tells me God wants, he and the Assembly Line of God preacher, they are my guides. My reason is bad, and God doesn't like it, never mind that he, if he created me, put it into my head in the first place---it must be like the apple in the Garden of Eden, put there just to tempt me and to give him something to punish me over, if I happened to partake of it. That's why a majority of the people must burn in Hell, for that apple.
See, that must be why God hates democracy--the majority must burn. Never mind that God, who supposedly loves everyone, and is omniscient (sorry, that means he knows everything) had to have known that he was tempting Adam and Eve and that a good portion of his human creatures would have to burn in Hell over a sin he knew that they'd commit.. Never mind that, he still is omniscient and still loves everyone. We had the choice. Never mind he knew what choice we'd make, and likewise knew we'd choose badly, and have a good number of us burn in hell for it. Never mind that. He is still omniscient and all-loving, or, he would be, if only I didn't use that damnable power of Reason he infected me with!
As you can see, I am repentant; I promise to despise democracy and most other humans besides Americans, to fetishize the unseen, unborn, unknown American fetus, to put more belief in an imaginary existence and an imaginary place that I don't know exists (unless Descartes' suspicion that a Devil made it is right--sorry, he's a philosopher, and as a Repugnican, I promise to swear all of them off), more than in this place which I am sure exists, because, as Justice Scalia says, life is "no big deal." I promise to live according to a moral system that is based on a God (on our side) who doles out rewards and punishments not based on merit or goodness, but rather arbitrarily, based on whether one was born in the Western world and in the good ol' A.D.; otherwise, one can't be saved. Most importantly, I swear to blame all of the evils of the world on Bill Clinton, the devil incarnate.
Never mind that Bush has stolen an election, tanked the economy, abrogated our rights (shucks, that is a fancy way of saying "destroyed" as applied to abstractions), and committed numerous crimes of insider trading and the like, the likes of which he now condemns others for. It's all Bill Clinton's fault. Never mind that Bush's father did business with the bin Ladens, that his son called off the investigation of the Satanic bin Laden before 9-11, that Bush was told about the possible hijacking of planes by extremist Moslems and stayed on vacation for three more weeks, and that the worst atrocity in American history happened on Bush's watch. Never mind that the Repugnicans willfully neglected a plan by Democrats to secure the nation's airports and other such places from terrorists. It HAS to be Bill Clinton's fault!!!
Thank God I finally got all this straight! Where do I sign???!!!
A most penitent Democrat,
Letter CLG received via contactus -- July 23, 2002:
I want to join you demoncrats as those frisky republicans call you'se. Everyday I here how evil the demoncrat party is and it just wants to make me join more. I heard under Clintons administration 4 billion demoncrat women chopped up and hacked unborn babies to death. This party seems like the party of choice for me. I also have no class, hate god, have no morals and will shaft my family if need be to become a demoncrat. Please send me an application to join your party. I lie all the time and have no doubt the devil will rule the earth and I want to be on the supporting side with you guys.