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  ABC NEWS POLL: NUMBER ONE ISSUE FACING AMERICANS IS LIPSTICK

Polar Bear-Killing Terrorist

Satire by R J Shulman
NEW YORK (PTSD News) - Win the lipstick wars and win the Presidency - that seems to be what the latest polls are indicating. A new ABC News poll shows that Americans are so concerned with this issue, that whichever Presidential ticket has the best solution to the lipstick crisis will win in November.

“I am the real candidate who can bring change and hope to the lipstick problem,” John McCain told a crown in Flint, Michigan a key swing state. Meanwhile, vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin is trying to overcome rumors that she attempted to get her former brother-in-law, Scott Wooten fired from the Alaska State Police because he had criticized Palin’s sister’s use of lipstick. The McCain campaign has been heavily critical of the media’s focus on the lipstick use in the Palin family. “It is none of America’s business whether the lipstick was used by Sarah Palin or her daughter or whether Sarah Palin’s religious beliefs prevented her teenage daughter from taking the proper precautions before using lipstick,” said Rick Davis, McCain campaign manager.

Barack Obama is set to rush release his new book called The Audacity of Lipstick in which he states that he has always been opposed to the excessive use of lipstick and sets forth his a plan to solve this crisis, a plan he hopes with be on the minds and lips of the American voter come November. Meanwhile, Joe Biden is attempting to answer criticism leveled at him from the McCain camp that he is woefully out of touch with the American voter as he is the only candidate who has not even mentioned lipstick once. Biden finally addressed the issue, telling reporters, “we have to stop our dependence on foreign lipstick, especially our dependence on the French.”

Linda Connors of the National Organization for Women has weighed in on the lipstick issue saying, “our society is sexist because there is no pressure for a man to wear lipstick, but a woman has either too little lipstick and doesn’t get noticed or she has too much and is called a slut.”

Condoleezza Rice just back from her trip to the Middle East said that the terrorist are planning attacks on American because, “they hate us for our lipstick.” President Bush commented, “I am well in the awareness of a lipstick crisis, because whenever I try and speechicate to the American people, my lips stick on the big words, like nucular.”

The lipstick crisis has already taken its toll as Helene Curtis, a leading lipstick manufacturer on the verge of bankruptcy, has just been taken over by the federal government. “We cannot afford to have such a venerable institution like Helene Curtis fail simply because of their high exposure to selling sub-prime lipstick,” a government official said.

“This issue is not about lipstick,” Ralph Nader said, “it is about a pig being a pig, even if lipstick has been applied to that pig.” Sally Fineburg of PETA agreed, “Pigs are in danger of being mistreated to such an extent by these politicians that they are going to become an endangered species.” Trevor Markham of the Rand Institute disagreed, “there will always be pork in Washington.”

The ABC poll said lipstick was the most important issue for Americans by more than a five-to-one margin over the economy, the war in Iraq, healthcare, the energy crisis and global warming. The poll has a margin of error of plus or minus 100 points.

11 September 2008

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