CHENEY: WE DID NOT USE ELECTRIC DRILL TO FORCE TOM RIDGE TO INCREASE TERROR ALERT
Cheney: 'That little snitch popped it up to orange alert without needing persuasion.'
Satire by R J Shulman
BUNKER SPRINGS, Wyoming - (PTSD News) - Former Vice President
[sic] Dick Cheney lashed out at those that assert he used so-called enhanced
interrogation to force former Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge to
increase the national security-threat level before
important elections.
"That little snitch popped it up to orange alert without needing persuasion,"
Cheney said, "although, he did scream like a little girl when I showed
him that Photoshopped picture of him and Larry Craig in Minneapolis."
Ridge has claimed in his new book, "The Test of Our Times: America Under Siege . . . and How We Can Be Safe Again," that the White House pressured him into raising color-coded terror alert levels before elections to help the Republicans.
Former President [sic] George W. Bush confirmed Cheney's account. "I remembered to recall that Dick was disappointicated he didn't get to use a waterboard or that custom-made spring-loaded electric porcupine on Ridge," Bush said. "Dick told me that after he showed the photo of that airport bathroom stall to ol' Tom, Ridge broke down faster than a used Yugo."
"I can't believe how stupid those Democrats are," said Karl Rove, who had advised the Bush White House to use the terror alerts for political gain."They have this great chance to go to level orange to scare the country into their socialized medicine and all they talk about is being green."
Democratic Representative Dennis Kucinich of Ohio has asked for a special prosecutor to look into the use of phony photos to interrogate political enemies. However, Ron Koehler, a spokesperson for President Barack Obama, says Obama is not interested in "looking backward" to see whether or not Ridge cried like a baby. "Instead," Koehler said, "the president plans to move forward, because the American people are interested in terror alert changes they can believe in.
26 Aug 2009
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