FRANKEN SOFTENS ANTI-TORTURE STANCE: IT'S OK IF IT'S BILL O'REILLY

Satire by R J Shulman
MINNEAPOLIS – (PTSD News) – Apparent Minnesota Senator-elect Al Franken said today that he has changed his mind about the legitimacy of the use of torture. "Generally, I'm against torture because it is barbaric and thoroughly un-American," Franken told the Post Times Sun Dispatch, "but if the person being tortured is Bill O'Reilly, I'm all for it."

The issue of the treatment of Bill O'Reilly first came to light when O'Reilly said on Fox News that "the thought of saying the words 'Senator Franken' is pure torture." Several of O'Reilly's co-workers said that they heard "ungodly screams" coming from O'Reilly's locked office.

"When I first told Bill that Franken was going to be declared the winner," said Wanda Feeley, an associate at Fox News, "he let out such a blood-curdling scream that I thought someone had attached electrodes to his nether parts."

"The shrieks I heard coming from Mr. O'Reilly," said Vice President [sic] Dick Cheney, who had just finished an interview on Fox and Friends, "were the kind I've only heard from someone we were waterboarding, specifically, the ones who didn't quite make it."

"Turnabout is fair play," Franken said, "as O'Reilly's drivel has tortured us for years."

08 January 2009

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