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BIG INSURANCE GIVES OUT AWARDS FOR SCARIEST LIES ABOUT HEATH CARE REFORM

"Since big government prohibits us from feeding Muslims to the lions, what better way to keep people's eyes off the ball with a fun contest?" --Ed Hanway, CEO of CIGNA

 



Satire by R J Shulman
BETHESDA, Maryland - (PTSD News) - Two heath insurance giants have announced the winners of their "Scare Health Care Reform to Death" contest. Starting in March, UnitedHealthcare and CIGNA Health Insurance joined forces to create a contest that would award prizes to American citizens who came up with the scariest talking points against health care reform, slogans that would most likely turn public opinion against any changes to the current system. Truth was not a requirement--in fact, it was discouraged for blocking the creative process.

"We had to distract the public from the fact that a whopping portion of America's wealth has been flowing into a few big insurance and pharmaceutical companies," said Stephen Hemsley, CEO of UnitedHealthcare.

"We especially wanted to keep them from finding out about my bonus, my salary and my stock options, said Ed Hanway, chairman and CEO of CIGNA, "and since big government prohibits us from feeding Muslims to the lions, what better way to keep people's eyes off the ball with a fun contest?"

The response has been decent, according to CIGNA , if a bit derivative. "About 95% of the entries said, 'it costs too much taxpayer money' and included a tea bag," said Hanway.

The winners were announced earlier today on "Fox and Friends."

Fifth place honors, and the recipient of an "I Killed Health Care Reform" button, went to Frank Pharr of Henderson, North Carolina. Mr. Pharr entered, "Kiss your granny good-bye before Obama's plan does."

Fourth place went to Floydene Spangler of Big Spring, Texas, who won a picture of Hanway's $134 million dollar mansion on the Jersey shore. She entered, "Obama's heath care plan will force you to give up your kidney to a Chinaman."

Third place was won by Scott Lee Priestly of King of Prussia, Pennsylvania, who said "Before you can get any health care in Obama's plan, you will have to convert to being an A-Rab Muslim." Mr. Priestly will receive $5 dollars off his $1500 deductible on his health plan, but must cash it in before he gets canceled due to having a serious illness.

Second place was captured by Paul Pope, of Tooele, Utah, who won a chance to have one preexisting condition excused before he was canceled, unless the illness cost more that $3,500. Paul sent in a talking point that said, "Obama's health care plan will force your wife, girlfriend or daughter to be sold into slavery in Kenya."

The grand prize went to Loulene Swift of Paradise Valley, Arizona, who said, "Obama's health care plan will ration health care so only illegal gay immigrants will get to see a doctor, and these same gay illegals will be awarded your house and your guns." Ms. Swift won a free pass not to have to wait in the doctor's big waiting room before she is asked to wait in the doctor's small room. In other words, she gets to go directly to the small room to wait.

The contest seems to be working as the support for health care reform has been steadily falling.

11 Aug 2009

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