McCAIN TELLS SUPPORTERS, 'IT'S CLOSE ENOUGH FOR US TO STEAL'

'Our operatives tell me we can steal anything under nine points.'

Satire by R J Shulman
CARLISLE, Pennsylvania -- (PTSD News) -- Senator John McCain told a group of about fifteen loyal supporters in a Long John Silver’s Restaurant that, “In two days, victory is ours, my friends. The latest CNN poll shows Obama ahead by only seven points and our operatives tell me we can steal anything under nine points.”

“I’m voting for McCain because he is a straight-shooting maverick who has all them tried and true American values like not being afraid of no gooks or colored people,” said Rudy Bortz a thirty-seven year old out-of-work handyman from nearby Willits, Pennsylvania.

“I call him honest John," said Bortz’ wife Tinnie. "What other candidate would admit that he has to steal the election to win?”

Not everyone at the rally was thrilled to see McCain. “I just want to get me a Goddamn fish platter,” said Sadie Williams, a retired heath care worker, “and the McCain shindig is holding up the line.”

“If it’s this close, it’s in the bag,” said Will Scumsta, a Republican strategist who studied under Karl Rove. “This year we are even more prepared with our ground game. While the silly Democrats are trying to get out the vote, we are busy purging Democratic voters from the roles, pre-programming black boxes that flip votes to McCain, employing all kinds of sophisticated voter intimidation techniques, making sure there is a lack of machines in Democratic precincts and adding a few new tricks that would make Dick Nixon proud.”

“The ace in the hole this year to stop the cry baby sore loser Democrats when they yell foul,” said Karl Rove, “is that we hit them back by saying they cheated with the ACORN voter fraud. Now you and I know that ACORN will not add one phony vote -- while we will have removed over three million legitimate voters -- but the public will be quieted by the stupid media who will treat both transgressions equally. The issue of a stolen election will be history before Vice President Palin can shoot another caribou.”

03 November 2008

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