NAMED TOP GENERAL IN WAR ON CHRISTMAS, BILL O'REILLY CALLS FOR SURGE

Satire by R J Shulman
NEW YORK - (PTSD News) – Recently named top general in charge of defending against the so-called war on Christmas, Bill O’Reilly called for the “mother of all crusades to defend all that we hold dear and sacred. Just like the surge won the war in Iraq.” General O’Reilly said, “we need all good Christian soldiers to help vanquish this despicable enemy.”

“Every time you take a Christmas display out of a government building, the baby Jesus weeps,” said Mason Tweedy of the Christmas Coalition, a group dedicated to defend against what they call “the infidels of secular fascism’s effort to kill Jesus again.”

“The people responsible for nailing our savior to the cross in holy times,” Tweedy said, “are the same kind of people who now want to tear him down. How hypocritical can you get?”

O’Reilly outlined a battle plan that calls for preemptive strikes against those who he says are “planning to use weapons of mass destruction against everything that is Christmas."

"So, we will 'shock and awe' those heathens first,” O’Reilly said, “then stage an invasion to rid neighborhoods of Jews, Muslims, Wiccans and anyone else who doesn’t believe in the deep meaning of Christmas and in our God-given right as Americans to shove the yuletide down their throats. Where do they think they are, Godless Russia?”

O’Reilly admitted that he is especially troubled by home-grown insurgents who are trying to convince the American people that there is a recession going on and they shouldn’t spend as much this Christmas. “McCain got it right,” O’Reilly said. “The fundamentals of the economy are sound and losing your job, you house and self-respect is no reason not to go whole hog and whip out your wallet to show Jesus, Joseph and Mary just how much you believe in the Christmas spirit.”

09 December 2008

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