TOP 15 POLITICAL NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
Satire
by R J Shulman
SANTA FE, New Mexico
– (PTSD News) – The Post Times Sun Dispatch has obtained an exclusive
list of the private new year's resolutions of political figures and of
some popular political commentators. The following is a list of each person's
number one resolution for the year 2009:
1. Barack Obama
– Effect change on the White House by fumigating and exorcising all
evil spirits from the premises before I put my family in there.
2. John McCain – Figure out just how many houses I own.
3. Sarah Palin – Get that answer to Katie Couric about John
McCain's pro-regulation record.
4. Al Gore – Continue to support the environment and pray
there is still an environment at the end of the year.
5. Joe Lieberman – Try to figure out what party I am in and
who's ass needs to be kissed next. (Oy vey! These lips are getting
tired.)
6. Dick Cheney – Give up torture, lying and stealing…
who am I kidding?
7. Scooter Libby – Get that SOB Bush and tear him limb from
limb if he doesn't pardon me.
8. George W. Bush – Successfully hide from the people I had
promised to pardon but didn't.
9. Rush Limbaugh – To get Barack Obama impeached for ruining
the economy and lying us into costly wars and for me to be more creative.
10. Sean Hannity - To get Barack Obama impeached for ruining the
economy and lying us into costly wars and for me to be more creative.
11. Matt Drudge - To get Barack Obama impeached for ruining the
economy and lying us into costly wars and for me to be more creative.
(Note: This exact same resolution appeared on over 150 conservative talk
show hosts' lists -- a most amazing coincidence).
12. Bill O'Reilly – Kill all the heathen bastards in the name
of the Baby Jesus before they can start another war on Christmas.
13. Larry Craig – Convince the world I am not gay, so they
will leave me alone long enough so I can enjoy my fabulous collection
of Liza Minnelli records.
14. Dennis Miller - Try and figure out what the hell I am saying.
15. Rudy Giuliani - Try to figure out what the hell happened.
02 January 2009
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