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The universal health care provision will mandate that everyone buy a health care plan from a private insurance provider or be thrown into Guantanamo Bay prison as a traitor.


Satire by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON - (PTSD News) - In a bold new move to push health care reform through Congress by the end of the year, President Barack Obama has asked the insurance industry to help draft a bill that can get the votes of so-called Blue Dog Democrats and some Republican support. "Who would be more qualified to write a reform bill than the insurance representatives on the front lines dealing with health care issues," Obama asked.

The compromise bill will include the controversial public option and universal health care. "The pubic option doesn't create a government run health plan, but rather guarantees that all Americans have the option to use a public toilet if they want to as no government bureaucrat will be able to get between the patient and the Port-a-Potty of their choice,"the president said.

The universal health care provision will mandate that everyone buy a health care plan from a private insurance provider or be thrown into Guantanamo as a traitor.

"Not only will this bill achieve my goals of a public option, universal health care, but it will not add one penny to the budget as we will handle all possible health care overruns by taking money from the social security fund," President Obama said. White House aides said Obama's plan to bleed social security dry may help get Republican support.

The bill also makes it illegal for anyone, any government entity or business to negotiate for lower health care premium prices as that would be considered government interference with the free market. "We just can't have anyone trying to shove down limits down the throats of CEO bonuses as that is just anti-American," said Senator Joe Lieberman (ID-CT). "I also support the provision that calls for authorities to shoot anyone on site who is suspected of going to Canada to get cheaper drugs," Lieberman added.

The legislation also makes it illegal to sue insurance companies and drug makers for any reason. "This tort reform should help us get some moderates and the Blue Dogs," Obama said. The bill also will impose stiff fines on insurance companies who do not drop anyone covered under their plan who gets too sick. "This is a great cost-cutting measure," an Obama spokesman said.

Also included is a provision that adds seventy-five new categories as "pre-existing conditions" to allow insurance companies to refuse insurance or payments to anyone that has had such conditions as a runny nose or breathing hard after exercising.

The bill also calls for black people to pay reparations to former plantation owners because their slave ancestors complained so much about having to work hard that it caused the civil war, the freeing of the slaves and a big taking of property from the slave owners. "This provision will help get southern congressmen to vote for this bill," said Tom Winthrop, an Obama spokesman.

Not everyone is happy with the compromise bill. Independent Senator Bernie Sanders has dropped his support, saying he is looking into the possibility of Vermont seceding from the United States and joining up with their neighbor to the north, Canada.

So far a few more Democrats think they can now support the bill, but still no Republicans have pledged to vote for it. "I might think about getting on board if Obama apologized to Representative Joe 'the Heckler' Wilson for lying to him," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.

"We are getting closer to getting a bill passed," said President Obama, "and when I say we can get health care reform passed, I say, 'oh, yes we can.'"

13 Sep 2009

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