PALIN TO DUMP McCAIN FROM GOP TICKET
Satire by R J Shulman
VINCENNES, Indiana - (PTSD News) - Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin announced today that she has asked top GOP officials to fire John McCain as the GOP presidential candidate. "He has served his country well," Palin told a cheering overflow crowd in this southwestern Indiana city, "but he is starting to drag down my numbers, so he'll have to go. To make sure he's gone," she said, "I'll offer one hundred and fifty dollars to the first person to shoot him and bring me his cut off right hand -- just kidding. I don't need to see the hand, a faxed picture will do."
"If there is anyone who can get officials to fire someone she doesn't like, it's Sarah," said an unnamed Republican spokesperson. "This will be a good move for the GOP," said Charles L. Sonderheim of the Heritage Foundation, "Palin has been packing them in, while McCain can't fill a McDonalds."
Rules state that if the front runner is removed before the election, the vice presidential nominee become the presidential candidate. "We all know that God has anointed her to be president," said Reverend Ed Kalnin, Palin's former preacher, "so why delay the process, just like we shouldn't delay Armageddon."
"It'll be great opportunity to be your President," Palin told the Indiana crowd, "because while it has been fun to see Russia from my house, I just can't wait to see Russia from the cockpit of a plane as something nuclear is being dropped."
There has been no word on who would be tapped as Palin's vice presidential running mate. "We need to emphasize Sarah's qualifications to be president by picking someone who is a little less qualified than her, but charming, of course," said a top GOP spokesperson, "However this may take some time, although we have a lead on a pig with lipstick in Waterloo, Iowa that is dying to get off the farm."
20 September 2008
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